I'm All Askew

I sat down at the computer this morning thinking a Sunday Morning Music post would be lovely...

Then realized that even through the entire family is home and there is a TV blaring in the other room, that Sunday has come and gone. Then, I noted that even though it is Monday, I'm not "supposed" to be working, what with the long weekend and all.

Secretly, I'm wishing that the house would clear out so my brain could have some quiet time, and I'm not so patient for tomorrow.

My husband says that when I'm not happy, things come out "sideways"--what he means by that is that even though I sit here not complaining about it (to them), the fact that I'm annoyed by a house full of people yakking and a TV blasting while I'm trying to formulate a thought WILL surface in some way, later in the day. After several hours, when I've got nothing done and I'm pissed off about it, I'll make some stupid-ass martyr comment about how fucking thoughtless EVERYBODY is, with their blabbing and noise, and they'll be confused because I didn't say anything about it before I reached the boiling point.

Cuz I'm dumb like that.

So, I resign myself to a day off. No actual writing. Instead, here are a few cool things I noticed online this morning:

• The cutest woman on the internet, I have decided, is Rachel at Yarn-A-Go-Go. Just a thing I noticed. She's just the cutest thing you ever saw. And every time I leave a comment on that page, its all dopey like "Wow, you're so cute..." and that's all I ever say.

• This morning, to combat the TV noise, I'm listening to "I'm An Unbeliever" by Del Amitri in (on?) my headphones. Again, and again, and again....and again. F*cking love that song....to hear it, go here.
  

• One of my favorite new reads is Personal Development For The Book Smart. Mostly, I like it because he doesn't sound like a self-help guru, and he doesn't appear to be trying to sell you any "programs" or "systems"--just a normal person, with some smart things to say.

We'll try this again tomorrow, MmmmKay?

Spammy-Doodle

Long lazy weekend!  Half-brain posting!  Woot!


You know how we play....go to your spam folder and post the most amusing subject lines!

Ready, set, go!


After Xmas Savings on Luxury Footwear from Top Fashion Designers-- Um, sweetie?  Darling?  Sweetie-darling?  Its almost June...yes, it is technically "after Xmas", but, then again, so is December 24th...

Low level of interest? Make it even lower- Yeah, yeah, its about mortgages or something, but, I figured it was like most spam and was actually about sex...

Thinking of how much better you can act in bed?? - Ahem...I'm one of the six women in America who doesn't "act" in bed, if you know what I mean....thankyou....thankyouverymuch...

much larger amounts of aspirin than are usually recommended--Just your typical Sunday morning around here.
      
Are Past Life Romances Affecting You Today? - Aaaah, man....if I find out that's been the problem all this time, I'm gonna be so pissed...

Sumptuous goods for your respectful look! - Is it just me, or, does anyone else automatically think "dessert" when they hear the word "sumptuous"?  Just checking.  So, following that train of thought, "respectful look" must have something to do with having a gigantic ass.

Speaking of that...

Hugest Ass! -- Ask and ye shall receive.  Proof Positive that you can buy ANYTHING in the United States

We caught you naked in shower Shelly - Oh, really?  Did you notice the gigantic ass?  I'm going for the respectful look.

You won't need anything else, when you are really big! - So, if you're selling the male enhancement stuff, and you want to give a guy a reason to buy it, telling him he won't need anything else might not be the way to go.  I'm just saying....he might "need" someone to have sex with...

Or I suppose he could just sit at home and admire himself.  Definitely safer.

We invite you to the world of happiness! -  The great news is, that the World of Happiness is right next door to...

The Secret Circle of Wealth - The super-private place where people with money go to talk about the people who don't have money.  I wonder...is that anything like the Cone of Silence?

I bet you've never seen anything like this! - You can't UN-see something....what if I open it and I'm scarred for life?
 
Do not let them mock at small wiener! -       
Get a totally wicked wiener -  These I just liked because they used the word "wiener" and I'm always giving Sarah shit for calling it a "wiener"... I can't help but think that "wiener" is something a four year old boy would say.

All your penis woes answered with herbs - Clearly, you can answer a lot of woes with herb(s).  I never heard of this side effect, however....damn...


Finally, sex and violence...

Fill your bedroom with fire once and for all!
Weapon used to make love!
Bomb her womb from your huge cannon! - (...author admits defeat....unable to come up with anything more funny than "Bomb her womb"...)


Have you had your spam today??

In Scarlett's Defense

The album?  The one that everybody is hating? 

Hey, at least she didn't use production tricks (ala Just About Everybody Else) to try to make it sound like she could actually sing....

Nope, she's a Come As You Are kinda gal...good for you, Scarlett.

I especially enjoyed the part of the news story where they said, "...numerous reviews of the album complained that Johansson's vocals end up lost in the lush arrangements..."

Not lost enough.


I want you to know, first of all, that I didn't wake up this morning planning to review anything, and also that I hate being negative.  This album is just...unfortunate.  She sounds like she doesn't feel anything, and that's just sad.  Sadder still, she's a big star and everybody made a big deal about this before it was released.  The set-up provided ample height for a big fall, and nobody likes to see that.

Permission To Speak Freely

Putting aside the fact (an embarrassing fact, but a FACT nonetheless) that I truly believe, deep in my soul, that the world would be a much better place if people would just do what I say...


Putting all of that aside...



...I ask you this one simple question: How tough is it, anyway?



And why is it that every time I feel the need to ask that question, I think of Glenn Close?


Glenn Close? WTF?


In the movie 101 Dalmatians, she was Cruella, and she had this thing that she did, where she demanded something horrible of some sweet innocent, and, when they raised the tiniest protest, she looked them straight in the eye and asked, quite innocently, "Is that difficult?"

And that is me. I can never understand why the simplest thing has to be so hard for some people.


So it is decided: I am Cruella. And...I think I'm OK with that. Now all I need is the fabulous clothes and the super-weird dye job. Of course, by the time Disney became what it was when the live-action version of 101 Dalmatians was made, I believe the old girl had quit smoking. I'll have to check on that.

Its not that I ask a lot of people. I don't. I don't need the cruel death and ultimate scalping of a hundred and one lovable puppies to make me happy. All I require is that people not be outstanding pricks to one another.

You'd think it would be easy...

Somehow, it isn't.

And because it isn't, we now, sadly, have f*cking "Comment Moderation" on this blog--something I NEVER wanted to do, and never had to do, before this week. I never, EVER wanted to sit in front of my email and decide if something someone had to say was worth saying, or to be judge and jury on whether or not someone was being an asshole, even though I have pretty strong opinions about what constitutes "Asshole" status. I like a free and immediate flow of ideas, and welcome additional thoughts about whatever subject we happen to be discussing, because that way, the grown up and civilized conversation could continue. I enjoy having conversations, and, don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I worked in the media for many years, and you can probably guess that I am not a big fan of any kind of censorship. I live by one simple truth in these matters, and that is this:

Everything has an "Off" switch.

EVERYTHING has an "Off" switch. If you don't like the content of a web page, or even the whole fucking internet, you can merely avoid that page, or, just don't go on the internet at all. Blog authors don't give a shit if you don't like them--not really. The intent of having a (personal) web page is to connect with other people who think about things in the same way that you do, and have a little friendly community of like minded individuals.

That's really all it is.

Your TV, your radio, your CD player, your iPod, your computer, your cell phone--all of the things that you use to access the media, all have "Off" switches, back buttons, different channels, etc. That way, if something is crappy, you can just shut if off or go someplace else. When we make these decisions, about what we watch, read or listen to, we speak volumes. If nobody watches, reads or listens to it, eventually, it goes away--that's just the way it works in the world. No audience equals no revenue, or, no return, and you can't give indefinitely without getting something back. I absolutely and completely trust this system of checks and balances--it is the system by which the media operates, period.

People not working in the media may know it as "Karma". I don't necessarily want to get into the deep thinking this morning--lets just say that you get what you give, and leave it at that...

This week, I had to activate what I consider to be the equivalent of my comments "Off" switch, because some of the comments were not in line with what we were trying to accomplish--it wasn't friendly conversation, just a bunch of people telling me what a hideous bitch I am, and while their observations about what a hideous bitch I am may have been true, they lacked humor...and we're all about the laughs here, whenever possible. While I've never shied away from labeling myself a hideous bitch, I simply prefer find the humor in it. I mean, the great thing about being a joke is that you get to laugh at yourself all the time. As Carlos Mencia says, "If you're not laughing, seriously, just kill yourself..."

Anyway, now, I'm the decider...(aaah, Lil' Bush...second funniest show on television.).

What a pain in the ass. I don't want to be the decider for other people--I want them to just use their fucking "Off" switch or change the channel if they don't like it. I'm not your mother, OK? I'm not force-feeding you brussel sprouts and making you wear geek shoes, here--but even if I was, you're a grown up, and can walk away at any time.

I know that the assholes in question will rather quickly get tired of the fact that they can't be assholes all free and easy on this stupid page, so, in short order, they'll stop visiting and we can get back to life as normal here. Maybe, if we're lucky, they'll do as Carlos prescribes. In the mean time, thanks for your patience with the stupid "Comment Moderation" crap...keep saying anything you want. As long as you're not afraid of opposing views, we aren't, either.

Cat Toy

This morning, when advising a friend on how to get/keep a guy interested in her, I told her to "just play with him until he is shredded like a cat toy."

I suppose you could call it "wearing him down."

I have told this same woman, in regards to this same man, “Just torture him.” No apologies, there, boys—he made her cry. He made her cry and she cried and mourned and got over it and moved on with her fabulous self and BAM! There he was again. Fucker…

Guys are so weird...they act like they're not interested in you until you give up and move on, then they fall all over themselves to get next to you.

Its not that we women don't come with a fair amount of predictability in some areas, but, with guys, this one is a gimme: all guys do this. It’s an unconscious competitive thing over which they have no control. They might not want you, and may even go so far as to tell you that they don’t. They may even break your heart in the process. But if they find out that someone else wants you, they rush to butt in line with some lame explanation/apology which is invariably slightly less comforting than “Just kidding!”

It would be annoying if it weren’t so fun to mess with them, and the wise woman definitely seizes the opportunity. I don’t look at it as a way to be cruel, and don’t recommend that any woman go out of her way to be mean or bitchy. I just know a lot of really great woman who need, shall we say, a little marketing. These women are already smart, funny, attractive and cool, they just haven’t found an audience for their particular talents. All they need is a focused presentation.

Marketing to a target audience of one man is easy, by the way…your mantra becomes the simple, “Look great, Be busy”.

The very same mantra works in this situation for all women, with all men.

Look great. Be busy.

It doesn’t mean dress slutty and get "caught" sitting on some dude’s lap—its not that kind of busy. It’s about taking the opportunity to do something you’ve always wanted to do, like, learning French, for example, and just…be busy. Re-focus.

The looking great part is just to remind yourself to not be all depressed and forget to shower for a week.

Look great. Be Busy.

And then, when you run into him, you look great, and if he doesn't want to hang out, no problem, you've got things to do. But if he does want to hang out, too bad for him, because, you've got things to do...maybe you'll talk to him some other time.

Of course, then he follows you home like some stray puppy.

What you do with him at that point is entirely up to you.

There are some women who may be yelling at their computers right now because I am revealing an important "girl secret" that we might normally not want to tell the men. Scream away. I'm spilling the beans because Look Great, Be Busy appears to be the only action that takes the edge off of the hurt you feel when you are feeling rejection from a guy (especially if the guy doesn't know he's dishing it out). There are men that you are supposed to be with, and men that you may like, but, with whom a relationship was never meant to be.

Look Great, Be Busy will help you figure out which is which, so you can leave the rest to destiny.

Sizzle

Funny quote....

"Sex sells, but its the quality, not the quantity."

Amen to that, brother...

Barrett, the Best...

Loved this...

Home To You

I was asked by Turner Publishing to review Historic Photos Of Mobile and immediately thought of the recent conversations on the web about bloggers accepting free stuff in exchange for product reviews.

Endorsements are a touchy thing with me, and I think that an endorsement is exactly what most manufacturers are hoping for when they send you a freebie. This is not a bad thing--they believe in their product, and have some confidence that others will, too. I think that the day somebody put two and two together, realized what people were doing with their time (reading blogs) and had the idea to tap into that marketing goldmine, could very well be one of the greatest days in advertising history, and, should be celebrated with a parade or something.

(There is a really cool article about that here. I mean, its about blog marketing, not parades....)

Having said all of that...let me speak about this from the other angle--the blogger who gets offered free stuff.

Since "word of mouth" on the web is dramatically different from word of mouth over the back fence, we should think before we burn off a product review or even accept the free thing in the first place.


Consumer responsibility.



Yeah, yeah...I've been banging that drum for years...



Just as you should not BUY something that makes little sense for you to own or maintain, you really shouldn't say yes to a FREE thing that makes little sense for you to own or maintain, even if you are just a curmudgeon and like to write bad reviews.

And, you should think about the source.

I remember once, there was a particular company (giganto corporation, actually) that I had made a conscious decision as a consumer, to avoid. They were involved in some practices that I didn't agree with, so, I spent my money with companies that I felt were more socially aware.

At some point, that company contacted me and offered me FREE, FREE, FREE_(insert whatever the hell they were selling)_ . I told them No. It wasn't that I would be spending any money with Evil Giganto Corporation X, because what they were offering was completely free, but, in my mind, even just accepting that product felt the same as accepting that corporation and their practices, and it didn't feel right.

Evil Giganto Corporation X has since gone out of business, by the way....I take partial credit. Bastards.

So what I'm saying is that when somebody offers you a free thing, just think about it...is it "you"? If it isn't then maybe don't do it.

(Or, just ignore me and do whatever the hell you want. Thats what I would do if someone were laying the high and mighty crap on me... ;-) )

(There is a great list here which describes ongoing boycotts. Some of them, you may not agree with, and that is fine, but you will learn a lot. You may not have been aware that the people who make your favorite eyeliner test it on animals, for example, and if that kind of thing matters to you, I do recommend that you check it out.)



Anyway...


...by sheer coincidence, when I was contacted, I had just moved to Mobile, Alabama. And by "just moved", I mean, I've been here less than two months. It is a city that I knew nothing about--zip. So when somebody told me that they would like to send me a book about it, I thought, "That sounds cool--I might have an angle."

Sadly, I do not.

I have no angle. No "in".

I mean, I do live here, and I think the book is excellent, its just that it may not be excellent for someone who doesn't know much about Mobile, Alabama besides how to get to Winn-Dixie using only right turns. Historic Photos of Mobile is exactly that--this is not an art photo book, and there aren't very many "stories" here, but as they say, however, a picture speaks a thousand words.

The book is an instant delight for someone who has walked these streets for many years. While there may be no one left who remembers attending the Mardi Gras parade from 1898 pictured below, there are enough photos from the 20th century to spark a million recollections for natives and long-time residents.
Carol Ellis and Scotty E. Kirkland provide the narrative for what is a broad look at Mobile throughout photographic history, including fashion, architecture, industry, social change and beyond. (I can only imagine the task of narrowing it down, to choose which photos made the cut.) It is also important to note that the authors made no effort to enhance or sharpen the images using modern technology--you see things, for the most part, just as people saw them at the time a particular photo was taken.


What Historic Photos of Mobile provided for me, a brand new resident, is a desire to hear more of these stories. This is, after all, just a taste of the hundreds of years of history of the city. And now, I suppose, I have someplace to start. I have an angle.

Sunday Morning Music

Gorgeous...





And, gorgeous...




First of all, I'm always grateful when he is in the mood to share. The songs are incredible, his voice is incredible. And for some unknown reason, he just keeps pouring this stuff out like water from a bottomless cup--he just has so MUCH. I wonder, sometimes, how difficult it must be for him.

The other thing is, when you have been listening to someone for a long time, and, if they're any good, you can't help but feel their progression. Its like watching your kids grow up, I suppose. You've always liked them, from the first moment, and as they get older, you find yourself feeling proud when you catch them doing something amazing. It warms your soul.

Some days...I feel very much like I watched Justin grow up. And calling it 'growing up,' while somewhat insulting, may be the only way to describe what has happened to him: He simply came to know a few things--a couple of important truths. Hopefully, it happens to all of us. We all start off toddling. Some of us get schooled and then turn around and contribute something beautiful, and meaningful, back to the world.

Things Justin recorded 20-odd years ago, I liked a lot. I really liked him back then. Babies are so cute, and, they positively glow with potential. How can you not like them?

Some of the stuff he recorded back then, I still like, and some of it, I just sort of shake my head and think that he was just being a little shit when he wrote that. I wonder if he knew, back then, what an incredible songwriter he would one day become.

He's still a little shit sometimes, though...